


Dear Diary...Signed, Daniel Howell

by Lilacskylester (princesslexi763)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, High School, Light Smut, Love, M/M, Rape, Smut, diary entries, mute!dan, non con, older!phil, young!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 09:36:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12679212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesslexi763/pseuds/Lilacskylester
Summary: The Diary Entries of Daniel Howell





	Dear Diary...Signed, Daniel Howell

**Author's Note:**

> In my creative writing workshop class, a girl in my class did a story that was in the form of letters and it made me really inspired to try a different form myself. So I decided to try the form of a diary. I hope it conveys everything I want it to. If you think the plot has holes, let me know and I may go back and do some time stamps for this in between. It might be super fun to do! 
> 
> WARNING: MENTIONS OF RAPE AND NON/CON ELEMENTS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Dear Diary,  September 9th

 

I don’t even know why I feel the need to write in this. I don’t even know why I have this actually. Maybe it is because my mom thinks it’s going to be a way for me release my emotions. But I still don’t understand it. I don’t even really feel comfortable writing in this yet. As I’m writing right now, I feel awkward.

I’m a 16 year old boy writing in a diary? How weird is that? My mom told me to call it a journal so I guess it’s not a diary, it’s a _journal._ But it’s still a diary in my mind.

If people at my new school found out I was writing in a diary, I would probably be beaten to a pulp. Oh god. I just thought of something that I could write about. My new school. I hate that my parents moved to a different town and now I have to start fresh again. I had enough trouble making friends at my other school and now I have to try and be friends with people all over again.

I _hate_ people.

Well, that’s kind of harsh. I don’t hate people to the point where I want to inflict violence on them, I just hate talking with people. Well, that would be another lie. I don’t like talking to people because I can’t talk.

I’m mute.

Not mute because of a medical condition. I’m mute by choice. I disliked the sound of my voice so I stopped using it.

Ugh, my mom just called for me to come downstairs. I was actually beginning to like writing in this diary. Maybe expressing my thoughts in here won’t be such a burden after all.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary,  September 13th

I was reading through my last written entry and I found myself rolling my eyes at how I just spilled a bunch of shit in here at once. It’s like I didn’t even have a filter.

I just made myself laugh. I couldn’t possibly have a filter when I can’t even speak.

 _Anyway._ I haven’t wrote in here in over a week. I had full plans to but I kept finding it hard to pick up my pen and begin. I would tap the pen to the paper and leave an ink bleed spot and then do nothing with it.

But that also might be because, I, Daniel Howell, might have made a friend!

Okay, I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that I have definitely made a friend because I don’t know if that’s the case or not. But this kid named PJ who is the same age as me began speaking to me at lunch yesterday, and he invited me to his house tonight to play video games! I’m super excited! Maybe that’s why I finally found the appeal to write in here again!

I just can’t believe that I made a friend already! At my old school, I still didn’t have friends. Even when I had been there my entire life, no one wanted to be friends with a mute boy. It was horrible.

I can’t even say that don’t wish being friendless on my worst enemy because I haven’t even known anyone to have a worst enemy.

But that’s too negative! I’m going to my friend PJ’s tonight. We’re going to play some video games. And I’m going to have fun.

Because once again, I, Daniel Howell, have a friend.

So a knock just happened on my front door and I went to check it and it’s PJ standing outside. And I’m nervous to answer the door so I’m finishing writing here to gather the courage to open the door.

If I don’t write in here again, I died for being so socially awkward.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, September 13th

This isn’t even a new day. This is the same day as the last journal entry and I really couldn’t wait any longer to write something here! I just need to tell someone!

I DEFINITELY have a friend!

PJ and I hung out for over four hours at his house, just playing video games and it was so much fun. He didn’t treat me any differently and he laughed when I got jump-scared at the games. But that’s fine because I _finally_ have a friend.

That’s literally all I wanted to say.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, September 29th

PJ introduced me to some of his friends today. I was super nervous to meet them but it went really well! Especially because he had this one friend name Phil.

Phil…let me just explain Phil. He’s older than me by two years. He’s a senior this year but he’s friends with all of the underclassmen. And he was super nice to me!

And okay, he was cute.

But I’m sure he doesn’t think anything of me. I mean, why would that attractive of a guy want anything to do with a lanky boy like me?

Ugh…Phil’s so cute. I’m _gonna die._

It was awkward at first with Phil because he spoke to me and I couldn’t answer. So he looked mad that I was ignoring him but I wasn’t ignoring him obviously. So PJ stuck up for me and spoke and Phil just smiled at me. And that smile will be something I dream of tonight.

Why am I acting so much like a crushing school girl?

Phil and I hardly even know each other.

But man, I really wish I wasn’t so awkward and I could talk to him properly.

Oh man, my mom is calling for me to come down for dinner.

See you soon!

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, October 5th

Phil wanted my number. PHIL FUCKING LESTER WANTED MY NUMBER. I panicked. I legitimately panicked and when I grabbed his phone. I fucking dropped it and I wanna _die_! He just stared at me as I bent down and picked up his phone, praying to God that it wasn’t broken. It wasn’t. So I put my number in and shakily gave it back to him. And he flashed his gigantic smile again and I swore angels sang.

God, he’s so beautiful.

But he’s only a friend. We’ve only known each other for about a week now. There is nothing even going on between us other than us just being friends.

Of course I want to potentially date Phil. But I know it’s never gonna happen. Phil’s popular and Phil’s beautiful. And I’m not any of those things.

Oh my gosh, speaking of which. My phone just went off and it was a text from Phil! He’s having a party tonight at his house and he’s inviting me! I’m got invited to a high school party!

Even though I can’t physically scream, I’m screaming on the inside.

What do I wear? What do I do? How do I act at a party?

Maybe I should text Phil and tell him that I can’t come. But then if I do that, would he think worse of me? Would he think I’m boring? I don’t want him to think I’m boring.

But then again, a party could be super fun.

I just text Phil saying I would go. He gave me his address. PJ texted me too and said he was gonna pick me up.

I’m actually about to go to a party.

If I don’t write again, that means the party legitimately killed me.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, November 3rd

It’s been almost a month since I’ve picked up this diary.

And I’m not sure if I even want to open the cover anymore. When I read my entry for that party, my body goes numb. I didn’t want to talk about the party for so long. But I’m finally ready to say something.

I’m crying right now. As I write all of this, know that I’m sobbing and can hardly see. My tears are bleeding the ink and I’m not sure I can even read what I’ve written so far.

But I need to write about this. I can’t keep this out of my head anymore.

I went with PJ to the party. He picked me up right after he texted me. When we got there, it was already almost in full effect. It was crowded and we could hardly move through the crowd. But that was fine with me.

I wanted to see Phil so I texted him and he told me he was outside. I went outside and I saw him sitting with a group of other boys I didn’t know. He was drinking beer and they were passing a joint in the circle. But Phil declined the smoke and passed the joint along. But he saw me and he smiled at me. So I walked over to them.

The others tried to talk to me, not knowing that I didn’t speak. But they were too drunk to know or hear Phil explain. Except one. I would later find out his name was Zach.

Phil offered me a beer and I took it from him. I drank it down, but I didn’t like the taste so I didn’t finish it or pick up another one. Phil then asked me to come inside with him so I did. But we separated in the crowd and I couldn’t find him.

I stood with my back against the wall trying to search for his black hair but there were so many people that I couldn’t tell where anyone even was. But then Zach saw me and walked over to me. He came up and started talking to me. He asked me why I didn’t speak, which I could have laughed at the irony. But I didn’t. I instead took out my phone and typed what I wanted to say to him out and showed it to him. He read it and smiled at me.

I told him I was looking for Phil.

He told me he knew where Phil went.

So he took hold of my hand and I followed him. We walked through the crowds and down the hallway to this room. I didn’t know why we were there. But then it became clear.

He led me into the room and I tried to pull away from him. But he became too strong. I couldn’t fight him but know that I tried so hard. I used every ounce of my strength. I tried screaming but my voice from not being used in so long didn’t come out.

It hurt so bad. He hurt me so bad.

I feel so numb. I take three showers a day in hopes of undoing his touches on my body. My flesh feels burned from his fingerprints and I want to vomit when I think of him.

I’m sorry. I can’t write any more. I need to stop.

Dear Diary, November 12th

I began seeing my therapist again. It’s been over a week since I wrote that in here. I’ve spoken to Phil and I told him what happened. I thought he would see me as a slut. I thought he would call me easy because I let Zach get to me so fast.

But he reassured me that what Zach did wasn’t okay.

Up until this morning, I couldn’t even say what had happened. But now I can.

I was raped. Zach raped. He held me down and made sure I couldn’t move. He took advantage of that fact that he knew I couldn’t scream about it.

I cried to Phil when I told him and he held me. He held me in his strong arms for a moment, I knew everything was going to be okay.

I know I should tell the authorities but I’m afraid they’ll say I’m lying because both Zach and I had alcohol in our systems. So I’ve only told Phil and that’s all.

I’m going to write more about Phil now. Ever since last night when I told Phil, I’ve sensed something change between us. Especially when I fell asleep in his arms with my response to his question half written on my phone. When I woke up, he was placing gentle kisses on my forehead and cheeks. I didn’t like them at first, after feeling Zach’s kisses there. But these were different. They felt good. They felt right.

And I liked them.

I’m actually texting Phil right now and we’re talking about going out to dinner.

I’ll write about it later.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, November 4th  

Phil and I kissed last night after dinner. I know I said I’d write after I got back from dinner but I was feeling too many emotions to write anything.

I’m not even sure if I want to write anything yet.

I’m too busy basking in the glow that is Phil’s kisses.

* * *

 

Dear Diary, November 10th

I thought for sure that I would be writing more in here than what I am but let me explain.

So in the past week, I, Daniel Howell, now have a boyfriend!

Phil asked me to be his boyfriend yesterday and I’m still freaking out! I literally cannot stop smiling and my mom keeps telling me that I’m the happiest she’s ever seen me! Phil makes me happy. Really happy.

Oh, and he’s sleeping next to me as I write this. He came over after school and we cuddled on my bed for a while until he fell asleep. I wasn’t tired though and I decided that I should write in this since I haven’t written anything in a while.

I had a nightmare about Zach last night. I dreamt that I was in bed and Phil was hovering over me. And we were kissing like we always do. But then his face morphed into Zach’s. And I saw the cold dead black eyes that bore into mine. He smiled at me, that vicious grin. And his shoved his hand down my pants.

I woke up in a cold sweat with tears rolling down my chin.

I never want to dream about Zach again.

I don’t see Zach at school. Phil told me a few days ago that he’s suspended until further notice for being caught smoking weed at the school. That didn’t shock me. His breath that night reeked of it. I could smell it every time his disgusting breath ghosted my neck.

Phil’s stirring awake now and so I shouldn’t be writing. I don’t want him to see me writing in a diary.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, November 25th

I know that I need to write in this more but I needed to tell someone this!

Phil and I did something sexual last night. It wasn’t much. I gave him a hand job and he returned the favor. But it was such a big deal for me. He replaced some of my disgusting memories of Zach with new ones that made me feel good, not gross. I didn’t feel a need to shower after he touched me. I just laid with him and slept on his chest.

I know I loved Phil a lot. I know it’s so soon for me to say for sure. But I can feel it. He’s given me everything I could have wanted and more. He’s helped me get through everything that I’ve needed to.

I really do love him.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, December 25th,

Holy shit, an entire month with no entries.

And I have so much to tell.

So…Phil and I had sex last night for the first time.

And I know you’re probably thinking that it was super soon after everything but I needed it and wanted it. We were laying in bed together to share our Christmas since we couldn’t spend it together today. We exchanged gifts and he got me this really cute stuffed lion and I got him a CD of his favorite band Muse. I felt bad I couldn’t afford anything else but he was happy with it. And I loved his gifts.

And then we said I love you. I actually spoke. It was hard and my voice was so distant for me to hear. I didn’t even know it was my own until I looked and saw Phil crying. He pulled me into him and told me he loved me too. And we both cried like the saps we are.

But it was a perfect moment.

We started kissing and soon Phil was kissing down my neck.

Okay, I’m getting myself worked up just thinking about it. So I’m gonna go take care of myself in the bathroom and save you guys the unnecessary porn. But just know, it was perfect.

And Phil has a massive cock.

But I didn’t tell you that.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, June 25th

I’m gonna be honest. I lost this diary up until today. I placed it somewhere in my room and over time, it kept getting moved and thrown under my copious amounts of clothing and other shit in my room. But today is Phil’s graduation.

I’m about to leave for it actually.

I’m can’t wait to see him walk across the stage.

I wish he could see how happy I am for him. Oh…wait…he can. Because he’s sitting right next to me in his graduation clothes instead of being at his house getting ready.

Oh well.

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, June 25th

PHIL PROPOSED TO ME!

You’re all probably thinking how and what the situation is. So let me explain as I cry and stare at the beautiful ring on my finger.

We were at graduation and the ceremony was getting over with. I could see him waving at me so I waved back and he blew me a kiss so I blew him one back. Then the ceremony ended so I met up with him. We got pictures done and blah blah blah.

Fast forward and we’re at his graduation party when he suddenly stops all of the talking. And everyone is confused because what the hell is he doing? So he walks over to me and he starts telling me how much he loves me and I freaking the fuck out inside! And then he FUCKING DROPS ON ONE KNEE AND PULLS OUT A RING AND I’M LITERALLY SCREAMING. He doesn’t even have to say the words because I love him so much and he’s my prince.

I can’t stop staring at the ring. It’s seriously so beautiful.

I asked Phil how he could the permission of my parent’s since I’m under 18 and he said he didn’t ask them for permission. But hey, guess that’s okay.

Phil’s picking me up in five to spend the night together.

I’ll write later.

Signed,

Daniel ~~Howell~~ Lester

* * *

 

Dear Diary, August 30th,

I’ve never cried so hard in my life. We had to drop Phil off to college today and it was the worst experience of my entire life. I’m still crying as I think of him. The ring on my finger a reminder that we’ll  be together forever. And I’ll see him again.

I miss Phil so much already.

* * *

 

Dear Diary, August 27th

I know that you’re probably really confused as to why the dates are suddenly back tracking. But they’re not. This is technically two years after the last time I wrote.

Oops.

So long story short, I forgot I even had this until today. I’m packing my room up today to move in with Phil. Phil was able to sign on an apartment and we’re in together before our wedding on October 19th.

I can’t believe it’s been two years since I last wrote. So much has happened.

For one, I finally had the courage to stand up to Zach at school. He graduated a year later than he as supposed to due to being suspended so many times. I was able to scream at him and tell him how he ripped away my innocence.

He was blown away that I could finally speak.

Oh, that’s another thing.

I began seeing a speech therapist after Phil left for college. On top of my actual therapist, now I was seeing someone to help me speak. And it went really well! She taught me voice exercises and I soon learn to talk all over again.

My main reason for wanting to talk was because I want to be able to recite my vows to Phil on our wedding day. Speaking of which, Phil and I are meeting tomorrow with the bakery that is doing our cake and we’re getting our cake ordered.

How exciting is that?

Signed,

Daniel Howell

* * *

 

Dear Diary, October 19th

Well, I got married today. I guess I won’t have a use for this anymore. I told Phil about this diary and he asked to read it so I let him read it. He said it was cute how I used to freak out over him in the earlier entries.

So this is my last written entry.

It was fun will I remembered I had you.

Thank you diary, for giving me my voice while I didn’t have one.

Signed,

Daniel ~~Howell~~ Lester (Gotta get used to that!)

 


End file.
